Low, low, low, low, low, low,low low - T Pain style

This week has been an all time low, I think.

Ok ok, 75% of the cause might have been PMS, but still.

I have NEVER felt so bloody.. lowly. There's no other word for it.


Which sort of sucks, cuz each time I hear the word 'low', I only think "Apple-bottom jeans, boots with the FUR(with the FUR), everybody at the club looking at HER (looking at HER).."

:|

I've cried twice this week.
Well, got to the brink of crying, but refused to give in.

No.
I'm not gonna cry alone.
I'm not gonna feed on self-pity.
I'm not even gonna think about it.
It's just.. salt water.

I actually wrote a little something ,about it --

With the taste of my tears - that I've come to love -
all the hurt, pain in me will dissolve;
Well, not completely dissolve - ebb
till it recedes deeper and deeper into hidden depths.

Yeah, I actually wrote this when I was trying not to cry, the first time.
TOTALLY morbid - do you think you'd imagine I could feel something like that, when you see my face? My so-called jovial face..
I think there's something about me that just INVITES people to hurt me.
Must be my face. *shrugs*
Maybe they don't like seeing it happy.
Why else do they all look at me like I'm gonna sprout tentacles from my forehead?
They all do.
Believe me.
They all look at me like I'm a freak.
They all love to break me, again and again; probably thinking that I wouldn't feel it, cuz I'm a freak.
Well, ok, you don't buy the freak part?
Fine. But it they all DO seem to think I'm incapable of feeling.
Which, again is not their fault.
Of course.
It's mine.
Haven't *I* been the one proclaiming that I'm a rock?
Haven't *I* been the one, well, fraternising (thank you Ron Weasley) with them?
It's all my fault, for being with them in the first place.
When I KNEW that this moment was going to come some day.
Exactly how I knew, EVERY SINGLE TIME, when I let anyone close to me.
So, I knowingly did this.

WHY is the hurt hitting me making me feel so unprepared, then?
Why should it even hurt? All logic seems to point at, well, the logical solution, which would be to grin and bear it.
I've managed to suppress it all for so long, what's a few more shots of pain gonna do to me?
I'm already high.


I mean, low.