um hi everyone lol

I'm going insane! 

If you're still here... Leave me a hi, it'd mean the world to me. 

Love abounding and overflowing from my heart to yours,

S.

Who I am.

Remember that question from that Self-Interview post, that went sort of like "Who are you, deep down?" or something?

Addressing it now, on account of my high-on-life state of mind at the moment.

Who I am as a person (in my opinion):

1. Creator - 
I need to create things. That's the only explanation. It all makes sense now.
I mean, I create every time I write. I create when I'm acting. I create when I'm sitting somewhere looking at something. I create when I speak - not with the words I utter but with the thoughts in my head. And that is all I ever do. No wonder I have such a problem, thinking I'm deluded and all of that - it's because every thing I know, I've created.

2. Lover/Hater -
Nobody can love/hate me like I do.

3. I'm also really Nice and really Mean. Like, if I like you I'll be nice to you. But if I don't like you, I'll keep my distance. So I'm not a nice person per se (per-son per-se hahah) but I'm pretty decent if you like me. Judging is a two-sided thing. I think. Idk lol.

4. I'm pretty Screechy. Like, I get excited really easily. But that's the best thing in me, if you ask me - because my extremely vocal appreciation of something is only my way of reflecting utter sincerity at whatever it is that I am expressing. Like, refer the previous point - since I'm nice, I may have to say a few things without meaning them during social interaction, but if I'm going like OH MY GOD THAT'S SO AMAZING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! it means I'm really really into whatever it was that I was freaking out about, and want you to know that I'm not bullshitting.
My father once told me I bullshitted a lot; and I agree, I do. I'm "nice" like that. But there it is. Paradox.
Basically, if you excite me, it means I like you, and you should be really proud of that.

5. I used to want to do everything to make people like me but that's changing. Yay. Or nay. I don't know. Change is good though.

Five is a nice number to end lists at!
If you're going to comment, and you think you have a fair idea of who I am as a person, let me know, if you'd like.

HAPPY TO BE ALIVE!!!!!!!!

After GOD knows how long, I feel full of LIFE and filled with POSSIBILITIES that're STRETCHING OUT MAGNIFICENTLY TOWARDS NEVER-ENDING SUNRISES AND TREMBLING HORIZONS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Self-Interview.

We have to throw a farewell for our seniors this Wednesday. Finally the entire class - most of it - is participating in something together. I think we're all having a lot of fun, and are finally bonding. Even if it is on a really tiny level. This is very good news.

I don't know anyone that would like to interview me, so I decided to do it myself. Thank you to Hanis for letting me use the questions she found on a website which I in turn have lifted off of her blog!

For the sake of entertainment I've decided to pretend the interviewer is a pink lady with pink glasses wearing a pink skirt-suit and pink pearls.

What is your favourite flower?
I like roses. But only deep red ones. apart from that I really don't know. Haven't thought about it.

Are you an organized person?
I can organize things if I want to, but I prefer carefully-thought-out chaos. If I leave something at a random place, I remember where it is and know where to get it from when I need it again.

If you had to spend a day not using any technology, what would you do?
As it is I'm not overly addicted to "technology" I suppose, save the Internet. So if I had to spend a day without Internet I'd either read, or write and draw, but mostly I'd go to the beach with all my friends if I could :D

What do you want to be when you get older?
You must be new. You must not know how much trouble I have had with this very question almost all my life.
I'd love to write of course. But it's a lot more complicated than that, for me.

Who are you? Names, nationalities, and virtually any other socially-defined attributes do not count. Deep down, who are you?
I'm. I'll come back to this later.


Favourite song of the moment.
I don't listen to music much any more.


A book you want to read/have recently read.
I read The World According to Garp recently. I didn't like it. Only half way through did I realise that it was John Irving; I hate John Irving. I don't get his point. Before that I found a collection of dog stories by James Herriot, which was pleasant.

What do you want to major in?
You're obviously a stupid lady, because I'm currently majoring in Mathematics.

Who was the last person you had a deep conversation with?
I will be having one tonight. Yay.

Weird things you do when you're alone.
Mmmm. This is a good one.
When I'm alone on the bus, I just think about random stuff and let my thoughts run free.
When I'm alone at home I'm mostly on the Internet or watching TV.
When I'm alone outside, like at a gathering, I'm switching between feeling invisible and just watching and enjoying what's happening around me.
I don't know if I do any weird things. When I'm alone. I'm quite boring I'm afraid.

When was the last time you were nervous?
Um.. I'll have to think about this one.
Actually, I don't do anything that makes me nervous on a day-to-day basis right now. I mean, my routine is pretty set, I have no room/opportunity for any wild occurrences that might make me nervous. But I get nervous when there's dogs/cats/crows on my way to the bus stop.

Do you consider yourself to be lazy?
I fluctuate.

At what age did you become an adult?
If all goes well, I will never have to become one.

5 things you want/ need to buy.
I want.. to buy tickets to some place where I can go and explore, I think. Why is it that people who are lost always want to travel?
(haha)
I also want to buy CLOTHES. I'm entirely bored of what I have. Sorry, but I am.
That's it I think.

I don't madly listen to movie songs. They don't define my life.
I don't like going to the canteen every day and eating. That doesn't define my life.
I don't like going to crazy college culturals simply to see what's going on when you can't pariticpate because no on cares about anything. That doesn't define my life.
I don't go crazy about the newest run-of-the-mill movie that's getting released. I don't like them, and they irritate me, and they don't define my life.
I don't like talking about other people and gossiping. That doesn't define my life.
I don't like dressing up every morning for college. That doesn't define my life.
I don't like people putting their hands all over me when they're talking - even if it's friendly or whatever. No, not when I don't like you in the first place.
I don't like my class.
There.
I said it.
I don't relate to ANY of them.
It's been so long since I had a conversation that made me feel fulfilled, like, you know, when you're talking and you know the other person gets you,zXtr6nhjubgfd - I JUST SNEEZED ALL OVER THE COMPUTER - you know, a nice, simple conversation where you feel like the other person is as equally interested in hearing what you have to say, as you. Where you don't feel like the other person is judging you, nor are you judging the other person. Just. Positive, happy, free-flowing interaction.

NOT!!!!!!!! the kind of conversation where you're JUST SAYING THE RIGHT THINGS so the other person will
1. not be offended
2. not realise that you don't care about what they're saying
3. go away

But those're the only kinds of conversations I have any more.
With.. everybody.
I feel horrible.
I feel. literally. horrible.
As it is I have trouble with the whole who am I what kind of person am I what're my passions and etc so on infinity.
And now this, this whole.. thing that's making me feel like I'm slowly disappearing away into some void.
It sucks. It sucks and I feel horrible and.

I'm trying. I'm trying to retain myself the way I am, and love to be. But it's hard. I just want you to appreciate that it's hard. No, not you, me. I never accepted the fact that it's hard. I just thought it was something trivial and something that didn't matter to me. But it does. It does matter to me when I have no single soul to talk to in my class. And it's difficult and upsetting.

But I'm not going to let it bring me down like this. I mean enough is enough. I have got to get a grip on this. And everything else in my life. I just needed to get this all out. That's all. Have a little cry, sort things out.

It's time to move ahead. I've taken a lot of time to get here but really. It's time to move ahead.

I like being in class and learning and understand all that the teachers say.
I like topping the class.
I hate it when no one fucking tells each other the important stuff, like which sums to do or which books to refer or any of that. Every body is so bleeding selfish and immersed in their own little rut-like lives. I'm sorry for saying all of this BUT IT'S TRUE. It's a bitch eat bitch world. An also a bitch, eat, and bitch again world. Hah. That was perfect, that's exactly what it is.

God help me. God stop me from becoming someone else. God give me the presence of mind and strength and brains to make this work in my favour.

And god. Please don't ever let me lose any more friends. I don't care if I don't get any new ones for a long time now, I really don't but please. I don't want fake people, and I don't want to be a fake person to someone else. Where is the love, god? Where is the person who calls up before school during breakfast to wish you on your birthday? Where are the people that think about you as much as they think about themselves.

But thank you. Thank you for giving me my life in school. Although the finiteness of life is sinking in now, and the futility of all that we do etc etc, back in school, we all felt infinite. I felt infinite. "When she was just a girl, she expected the world." That's true for me. And thank you for letting me experience all of that. And still giving me bits of that from time to time.


I'm sorry if you guys actually read through all of that. This has been long, long over due and is a little bit like the flood gates being broken down or something.

Why I haven't blogged in so long?

I honestly don't know.

Anyway, I'm back! 

With not much news, however. 

I don't feel especially share-y right now. 

I think I want to make a tumblr, and blog here only sporadically. 

Time is not constant, and yet in so many ways it is linear. 

Oh, yeah, have you noticed how I use math references every time I speak now? 

I do, I do. :D 

Everything's going fine. 

I'm fine. 

My Twitter won't open and I've gotten so used to short pithy musings.

When you can think your way in and out of anything.

What are you left with in the end?

~

Maybe I should get a dog. I'm starting to like them.

~

There's many things I am and amn't.
But mostly it's things I am.

~

Everything's relative. Am I absolute?

~

Me me me me I I I.
Mine mine mine mine my my my.

~

Another difficult post.

I have lost friends this year.
But I've gained some too, I hope.
Either way, the friend-balance in my life has been disrupted.

It's very bitter-sweet, losing a friend. I suppose you'd wonder how the sweet part kicks in, but I only mean that, it's bitter that it's over, but it's sweet when you remember how they used to matter, and realise that you'll always know them well, and that no one really changes all that much. It's sweet in that you know that even if they've found newer (and better) friends, you'll always know how they were, and how they got this way.

Why does saying good-bye to 2011 seem excessively pleasant? The anticipation is quite electric. I'm looking forward to a whole lot. Wonderment, wonderment. :)

The me-est me I can possibly be.

[25-12-2011 22:13:55] Shrija: It's justh ard, and I feel incredibly worthless and weak, and I'm terrified, and I never sepak my mind, and I really don't know what's going on, and I just feel so WEAK and stupid.[25-12-2011 22:14:22] Shrija: And I have no one else to whine with than you! (h) Thank god we finally talked!

 As this year too wraps up, this time I want to try and identify the chief emotions that signified this whole past year for me. In retrospect, this is how my year was:

 You know what. Screw that. I don't think I want to actually look back at my year. Because this year, I haven't been very me. No, sir, I have not. And I admit that it has taken me a year to realise this, but I am not ashamed. I may be ashamed of the things I have done, lots of them, no actually just some of them - well I barely remember them anyway- but the fact is, I have REALISED that there was something wrong THROUGHOUT the year, last year. And I just used to ignore it, but now, we're going to have no more of that. I mean, where has the Lioness gone in Lioness Without A Pride? I may have been twelve when I made that up - ok, more like, 14 - but I've always felt that I was the me-est me when I was that age. Right? And if I had identified myself as a lioness back then, then I pretty damn well am one, I am! Stupid and ridiculous and cringe-inducing as that may sound now! Which can be said of nearly all of my memories. Really. They're cringe-worthy. I cringe so much that my heart, it has furrows in it, due to all the cringing it has done in its life so far.

Which is really unfair for it. Hearts shouldn't cringe. Hearts shouldn't cower. Hearts shouldn't let someone else take control of them. Hearts shouldn't be FURROWED. Ugh. What a mental picture.

Basically I guess what I want to say is - I really want to get my shit together in 2012. And not just in 2012, I mean, for life. Everyone has a picture in their heads of how they want to be. I've known that for ages now. But I never really - acted on it. Acted on trying to picture my life. Because I was like, cowardly or scared and stuff. And that stuff, it's perfectly fine. Everybody feels that way. You only need to figure out when you're going to snap out of it, and take the plunge.

My dad's favourite story to tell is about the time when I had to learn swimming. I was a drama queen from the start - but that's a story for a later date - and I accidentally waded into the deep end of the pool and like, swallowed some water or something, and it was a big deal. But now, I'm a pretty ok swimmer. I say 'pretty ok' because I only know one stroke, freestyle, but, I'm pretty ok at it. And the thing with the story is, that I never used to want to swim but now the coach points me out to the little kids and says, "Look at her. You should swim like her. If she can do it, so can you!" which is of course less than flattering (that last part) but hey. I'm a role model for somebody. I'm being pointed out as an example. That's an example of my lionessness.


Ok so this is the hard part. The get-your-act-together part. And it's only hard because. You have to think about all the things you did, and the mistakes you made, and live them once again so that you know what to change and all of that. At least, that's what I think. But I guess one should just, focus on the things that need to be done, and do them. And forget about the rest. And have fun - but not because you have to have fun, and people expect that of you, but have like, genuine fun. And be genuinely happy. And like, if people don't like you after that, you can deal with it. Because what sucks is when you try and be what people want, and they still don't like you, and then it all just goes down into a spiralling rut and the whole world goes black and you lose faith in everything and you just feel like you're breaking and that you don't even deserve it. It's so, so important to be who you are, all the time. I don't care about that "I don't know who I am" bullshit, because that stuff's existential. I'm talking about the living part. You need to live the life of you. You're an extremely important person in your life. It's your fucking life. If it's not you, who else is it? Everybody else is taken! You need to drive your OWN car! And it may be fun to borrow somebody else's car and take it for a spin from time to time, because it's a whole different experience and there's just something about being in a new car but no. Your car is what takes you from place to place. Your car is what's going to function and - I just lost the metaphor. But that's ok. I've made my point.

My perfect paradox:
I crave for those like-minded as me,
and yet when they're around I never can be free;
I curl up into a bitter shell.
For they can just as well (or better) tell
my stories, and share my thoughts and beliefs;
and it seems as though we are identical leaves,
falling from the tree that is our similar nature
in this autumn that is the saboteur
to all my earnest intentions and beliefs,
and it seems as though we are identical leaves.

~

Yay poem. Welcome back.

How can you tell when thoughts become feelings?

"I'm gonna give all my secrets away.."

I used to love babies.
I used to tell my mum always, that it seemed like at every point of time in my life there'd be a baby somewhere around me. Cousins or neighbour's kids or whatever. I used to feel beautiful each time I could make a baby laugh or smile. I used to gurgle along with them, play with them for hours and oh my god I used to tell them stories. What stories they were. All those summers, if the kids weren't eating I'd jump up to try and feed them, and they'd devour their food along with my stories. I loved them so much, and I loved myself even more.

Now there is a but.
But.
Now.
Why?
Have the babies become ugly or is it me?

~~

What is with these hiccups!!

If popular sentiment is anything to go by, we're all at a stage in life where we have nothing under our control, and yet are expected to be the captain of our metaphorical boat in the metaphorical stormy sea.

it's a thief in the night to come and grab you

it can creep up inside you and consume you

I love people that are unapologetic. Not in a screw-you way, but more in a this-is-my-life-and-I-know-what-I-want way. 

I really wish I knew what kind of person I am now :/ It was all so easy earlier. 

faded pictures on the wall

...I gotta get up, oh, figure this shit out! 

I'm slowly starting to find random TV people hot again! Yaaaayyy me! But not in a, "ohmygod this is the love of my LIFE!!!" way; no. I think the general intensity of my feelings has diluted, especially all the good feelings. Oh well, I dunno. The last one was that Zachary Levi, when Tangled was about to release. But I look at him now and, nothing.

I should make a list. It's been really long since I did! 

Shrija Chavali's List of Hot Famous People

(in no particular order)

Ok so the two main parameters are looks  and personality, right? 

So I'll even rate them! Wheee.

1. 

Well duh. 

James McAvoy. 

Looks: 250%

Personality: 90%

Because he's already married. 

Ok who cares actually.

Personality: 500%

2. 

This shirtless young man.
Chris Evans.

Looks: 100%
Personality: 100%
Because he's funny in Fantastic Four, and adorable in Push.

3.

Curtis Stone!
Giving the word 'yummy' a whole new parameter.

Looks: 90%
Because I don't really like his mouth.
Personality: 90%
He is one smooth-talker. Have you seen his shows? He's funny too :P

4.

This is obviously a photoshopped image, but did you notice how it says "THE CRAZIEST (AND SEXIEST) WOMAN ON TELEVISION right above his face?

Now you know why I chose this picture.

Looks: 99%
Because he's shorter than me by a centimetre! But I totally crushed on him when I was 12.
Personality: 300%
He's so funny! Like soooooo funny. And the accent counts too.

5.

Maarko Saaresto.
Lead singer of Poets Of The Fall.

Looks: This is actually the first time I'm seeing him properly.
Personality: 20,000%
Because he sings and writes his own songs. Have you HEARD Carnival of Rust?

6.

Robert Downey Jr.
Sigh.

Looks: <3
Personality: Siiiiiiiiiiiiigghhhhhhhhhhhh.

7.

Ok slightly side-tracked here but he literally melted my insides during the beginning of the series.
This is Kurosaki from Dengeki Daisy.

I can't think of any more people. I'll finish this later if I remember anyone.

Gimme some love, peeps!
♥

I like treating myself to a mini-concert of my own awesome vocal talents from time to time.

I'm almost always right. My intuition, conscience, whatever you may want to call it. But it sucks to be right. Because I hate it. It doesn't make me happy.


~

I'm a sucker for these personality type things.
This is my Moon Sign:

Pisces

Intuitive, imaginative, compassionate, romantic, easily influenced. Likes emotionally rich situations, enjoys being creative. Hates strict rules and discipline.

Sensitivity, changeability, rich imagination - these are the distinguishing features of the Moon in Pisces individuals. They are so perceptible to others' emotions that can be deeply moved by a situation in which someone else would never notice anything special. They try to avoid strict order or rigid rules and prefer to create around them a kind of "creative chaos", as if protesting against requirement to put things on their places.

Rich imagination of the Moon in Pisces helps these people in creative endeavours, but their negative trait can be a lack of reliability and responsibility. They don't know to where and when they will swim away next time - but at least not to a place where they will be required to do something. If they meet an obstacle, the Moon in Pisces people will find a way around. They will never storm or forcefully demand anything. Quietly and softly moving from one situation to another, they will be looking for a place with a cleaner emotional atmosphere.

To release stress, the Moon in Pisces folks might want to stay alone in some romantic surroundings and to day dream. They are able to meditate naturally, to travel in their imagination to a different reality. It may be good for them to live or at least to spend their vacations near a body of water, best of all a sea or an ocean. Even by simply spending a little time at the sea shore they will immediately feel significant relief.

Unfortunately, many of the Moon in Pisces people are prone to smoking and alcohol as a way to get an emotional relief. This might help for a period, but their body is very sensitive to contamination and consequences of such an unnatural relief can be really detrimental.

The Moon in Pisces parents are kind and full of compassion, they are ready to understand and forgive anyone. They like fairy tales even more than their kids and can read them for hours. They will take an active part in development of creative abilities and imagination of their children. But one thing where they are not helpful is in teaching their children how to deal with the real world, how to be responsible and ordered. They have no idea about this themselves.

~

It all sounds so spot on. Is it because this is how I believe myself to be? Or is it really the way I am? 

~

I'm scared to display my sexuality. I mean, as it is I can't do anything without feeling like a pretentious pineapple, and when people tell me I should dress up more, take a keener interest in my appearance, wear jewellery and stuff, I just automatically think that doing so would attract unnecessary attention to me. And it's amazing really the amount of attention people are willing to give a teenage girl. No, not attention, that's too refined a word.

Dressing up and wearing the "pretty clothes" and "pretty shoes" and things, I feel, makes me no different than all the others of my demographic, who're already getting all the attention they can handle and are even out to get more. And that's perfectly fine for them; in fact I suppose that's the healthy way to be. When there's already so much eye candy out there for people to direct their attentions to, why must I make an effort trying to look any more appetizing to an idle observer? It'd interest me more if they looked at me anyway, without me trying to invite their attentions. So it's not that I'm not trying to be pretty just because I'm self-righteous or whatever, or because I think superficial beauty is irrelevant. It's because I just can't be bothered about things like that. And because I don't want to seem like a tart. Which I'm convinced I'll end up looking like if I ever try to do the dressing up thing. But I do dress up, when I'm going out with my family. I like being beautiful and likeable around them, for them. Then I feel like an asset to them, and I don't think there's anything wrong in that.


~

looooool what a fail: I just checked that moon sign thing again - I got the year wrong. THIS is my actual moon sign:

Cancer

Caring, emotional, sensitive and intuitive. Likes to spend time with family, hates new unfamiliar surroundings.

If you see a strong courageous-looking person, but you know that his or her Moon is in Cancer, take into account that the chances are that this person is vulnerable and touchy, even tender, and has a subtle understanding of other people's emotions. Whether this is a man or a woman, they probably worship their mother and have exceptionally strong emotional bonds with her.

Moon in Cancer individuals need to have their own home, or at least a room, or at least a corner in a room, but only their own and not someone else's. They can be strongly (and irrationally) attached to certain items which they have important emotional associations with.

There are very few people in the world who are really, really important for the Moon in Cancer, whom he or she considers as their own. Mother is number one, of course, and the kids, no doubt, but perhaps nobody else. Even a spouse can often be considered to represent more or less hostile outer world who cannot be completely trusted. Moon in Cancer people appreciate stable family life but often cannot create that stability and may even put their relationships under stress by constantly comparing the partner to their mother, and demanding from the partner mother-like care and concern.

Emotional problems of the Moon in Cancer are easily reflected on the physical level, hence problems with digestion, breasts or stomach disorders. To restore his or her energy after a stressfull period, the Moon in Cancer needs to hide from the outer world in his or her home and to see only the most trusted and closest people.

Moon in Cancer individuals can be superb parents, and a father with this Moon can be more solicitous than a mother, if she has her Moon in a different sign. But there is a negative side to this: this parent can easily spoil children with excessive care and concern, especially if the children are not naturally self-reliant anyway.

~

This is bullshit, btw. I am nothing like this. Figures. :P

Perspective.

MISTA SISTA!

Cuz you think you're ungirly. Like a mista. 

But u my sista!!!

When I have money, imma buy you a phone, and tickets, and we'll totally make our plan come to life. Till then, stay like you are. Don't change a thing.

I LOVE YOU! HAPPY BIRTHDAY! 

Koi khalish hai hawaaon main bin tere.

"You've got something in your eye."
"What is it?"
"Love."
"I don't wanna go."
"Don't."
"Come with me."
"Can't."
"I'll miss you."
"Me too."
"Who's going to draw on me now?"
"Not me."
"No one else either, you ass!"
"Oh."
"See. How can I leave you like this. You'll be crushed."
"I won't."
"See how stupid you are. The world will devour you."
"It's ok."
"I didn't mean that."
"I know."
"How can I ever--?"
"What?"
"Why do you--?"
"Me?"
"I love you."
"Why?"
"You're so special. I love you!"
"I love you too. Special?"
"There's no other word. I need a better word."
"For me?"
"Yes, you. That's a great word. You."
"Yeah, it is. You."
"I don't want to go!"
"Don't!"
"Bye."
"Bye."
"Miss me."
"I will."
"I'll miss you too."
"Really?"
"No. Because we're going to talk every five minutes."
"No. I'll be busy."
"Ok. Ten minutes."
"Ok."
"Bye."
"See you."
"No I don't have Skype there."
"It's a manner of speech."
"I KNOW that. I TAUGHT you that!"
"You did."
"Ok. Bye."
"See you."
"I'm going to slap you!"
"Shut up! Just go."
"Fine, you loser. See of I reply to your texts again."
"Bye, you."
"Bye, you."

--

Khayaalon main laakhon baatain yun toh kaih gaya
Bola kuch na tere saamnay.

"Be yourself is all that you can do-- eh hey!" I must stop titling posts with song lyrics.

It's absurd to think that one man can find all that he hopes for and desires, all that piques him and amuses him, and warms him and fires him up, all of that, in a single woman. They say love should never be mediocre, so who in their right mind is going to settle when there's always that nagging thought that somewhere, somehow, there's something better?

Perfection is so relative.

That doesn't mean you need to marry your cousin. Just to make myself clear.

I grant you permission to go and bang your head against the wall now.

Back?

The best one can do is be themselves, at all times. And hope that that'll be perfect. For anything - a job, a new opportunity, an exciting experience, a sudden glimpse at something special. Perfect things are made only due to perfect timing. So be on the safe side, and be yourself always. Because that's what makes you perfect.

I don't even wanna fight, fight fight.

I don't know who I am any more. I let my life numb me. I let TV and the internet numb me. That's basically how I feel these days. Numb. Lifeless. Stone-like. Sucked dry of anything I've ever had inside.

Is it possible that I've lived my entire lifespan in school? Quality wise? The more I grow older, the more convinced I am that I was the best I could be when I was in school. But maybe that's just cowardly-me talking. I dunno. I don't feel like much any more, and nobody's even making me feel like much any how, and I know it's foolish to look forward to external stimuli and that one should feel good about oneself, and I do do all of that, except I look in the mirror and I don't know who I see. It's like, there's a person in my head, a person in my past, and another one in the mirror. Which one am I?

What is mathematics? Is it a subject? Is it a science? Is it an art? Is it a religion? I for one believe that it is all of the above. Maths is a subject for those who study it, a science for those who experiment with it, an art for those who practice it and a religion for those who follow it. And the reason for its versatile nature is chiefly its beauty.

There have been many before me, and I'm sure there will be many after me, that have expressed Maths as something beautiful. The simple way in which an idea can be expressed as an equation is proof of how transcendental mathematics is - it is first an idea in the form of thoughts, which is converted into an equation in the form of constants and variables. And there is always an answer for any problem. The expression "cold and calculating" fits this sublime science too, for maths is cold in that it requires severe logic, and calculating in that it is manipulation of numbers.

That maths is used in all walks of life is common knowledge. Musical compositions use rhythm and tempo, which is mathematics, as demonstrated by the 18th century composer Johann Sebastian Bach. Shakespearean literature is famous for its iambic pentameter style, which is also mathematics. Architecture as a whole is nothing without mathematics. Dance forms incorporate mathematics in their various styles and choreographies.

Anything you touch can be related with mathematics - such is the universal connection of mathematics that links all things on this earth. This very nature of maths that makes it a universal language is the most defining reason for its beauty. This beauty is more appreciated by those who study maths and are interested in it; but even those who do not enjoy maths experience its beauty at least once in its life - when they finally understand something in maths class!

I know now what pain is
and the throb of a broken heart
don't you think it's miraculous
how you broke me despite the miles that part?

Yenna nadakardhu inga?

Sue me for saying all this - but I'm going to hell anyway.

1. She could be the biggest bitch in the world, and he'd still be there. 
You know how in movies there's the successful femme fatale diva type thing, and the meek but loyal and calm-strength kind of lover in the shadows? I don't see how any one can be so accommodating, so damn selfless as to be that guy. I see a girl doing it, I really can, but I don't know any guys that'd do that.

2. He looks at her like.. he looks at her. 
I know what it is to get stared at, I'm a girl and apparently it's what we live with. And there's that whole episode with the fellow. But there's staring, and then there's looking.

Bleh. Enough teenage angsty fluff for you guys today, I think.
How have you been?

Fools
persisting
to bring closer
forces that can't even
stand together

Fool
crying
trying
to feel
denying
defying

Fool. Fool!

Baby are you down down down down.

Aw hell boy. Ah' got 2 luv u!

~

It was a humid, sweltering day. The skies were overshadowed by moody clouds, just as how her eyes had clouded over with moody thoughts. Cranky and cantankerous, she could hardly wait to get to the cool silence of her locked room and strip off her shapeless clothes.

She had become even more of a contradiction than she was before. Eighteen and already tired of life. Her future spanned out in front of her like an endless expanse of barren land - a cold and deserted stretch of the Gobi desert, unexciting and useless. She has no idea what she is doing, or why, or where she hoped to be by doing the things she was doing. She could not bring herself to live more than a day at a time. It was important for her now more than ever to do things her way, and more specifically, at her own pace.

Is this how girls like her show defiance? By refusing to acknowledge change? Because they know of the futileness of their perceptions and premises? Is that why she is the way she is now?

She used to at least feel beautiful inside. And that, she realised now, brought her a greater level of happiness than feeling beautiful on the outside did. For even though she is assured of her attractiveness now, she is insecure about her personality and how she is inside. And that I feel is affecting her entire beauty quotient. So on a scale of 10 she is probably a 3 now, whereas earlier she was definitely at least a 6.

The internet makes you feel like you belong.

Excuse me. Can you stop spying on me while I'm trying to enjoy my privacy? Also, how can one make poses in the mirror? One can only make poses in front of the mirror. 

"I remember having a little bit of a profound moment after watching SATC2, that's the one with Jennifer Hudson in it, right? All I remember is that it was a SATC movie. So I was watching it, and I remember thinking how awesome it would be to be a gang of women like that. Forget the cliches, forget the drama about clothes and shoes and martinis or whatever. That movie - along with a whole host of other chick-flicks and rom-coms and what-have-yous - kind of makes me think about how love and stuff is not a whole consuming obsession but just a part of your life, but friendship and being yourself and doing your own thing, and having the guts to do that in front of people, and having those very people be your best buds in the entire world - that takes balls. And that's, in essence, what SATC embodies - women with balls. I quite love it for one."

I stopped thinking stuff. I stopped writing. I stopped doing many many things. You know what they say - living? In its present continuous form? I'm not doing it. 

Did you read that italicised  paragraph? That's actually an excerpt from a comment I posted on somebody's blog. I think - I'm not sure but I am quite positive - that I wrote that before college happened. And I read it now, and I think "Damn, Shrija, u cleva". 

Although, I cannot vouch for the fact that I am still that Shrija; I mean, I have changed, it's true. Everyone changes, and so did I. I dunno. I've just become so, so used to being on my own. It struck me yesterday - I don't have a group of people I hang out with any more. I almost always walk alone, and travel alone. If someone was stalking me because they, I dunno, wanted to kill me or something, I'd be their easiest kill. I'm literally untraceable, invisible, and all of those things. I could be picked up off of the bus stop and no one'd notice that I'm gone. And I'd thought that was a cool thing all along. Me being such a lone ranger.

Oh look what I found. 

I gift this song to myself!

Ok bye.

Bulla ki jana main kaun.

Sometimes, my hand voluntarily finds its way to my throat, and my fingers test my pulse. This I do when I'm nervous, or when I don't know what to do with myself.

I also do this when I know that something is about to move me a lot. Like, when a really amazing and poignant scene is coming up in a movie, I automatically check my pulse. When someone I like comes online. When I'm reading/seeing something I know is going to be unbearably beautiful to me.

I'm a drama queen, hhaahahahahahahha.
I know I'll feel too much so I stop myself from feeling at all.

But my pulse always gives it away.

Haahahahhaahahah.

This makes me want to cry.

They're just.. perfect. 

My grandmother had seven brothers. One of them was in the navy, and when he went overseas he got her a book of Hans Christian Andersen's fairy tales. She preserved it, and when I'd go over to hers in the summers, when I was little, she'd give it to me to read. That book was like a window into a magical world; the illustrations were so, so beautiful. My favourite story was Little Ida's Flowers; and The Ugly Duckling was a horrible story but had breathtaking pictures. I've had a soft spot for Andersen ever since.

My sister got a book of Grimm's fairy tales for her birthday a few years ago, and I was delighted to find some familiar names with completely different and twisted stories. And so I love the Grimm brothers. Also, Heath Ledger was in the Grimm Brothers movie. I never could resist a fairy tale.

Jane Austen reminds me of myself, and we sort of have a love-hate relationship. I hate her, and yet there are times when you understand her gravitas and look past the mundaneness and simplicity of her style. She's something.

Lewis Carroll's rhyme. 'Nuf frikkin' said.

Call me stupid or whatever.

Let's take a moment here for some objective thinking.
How did the rotten apples fall to the ground?
Obviously, they were waiting for so long, so very long
up in the tree, and no one picked them up (haha)
and so they could but rot
and fall.

Oh, mirth.
Ahahahahahahahahahahahahah.

There is a horrible horrible boy I know
who hides away and doesn't show
all of him to all he meets
and yet it isn't like he deceits
anyone, for they all do know
what he is, and what he doesn't show.

I hope there still is love in him
for me, if not for her, or them
For I am fast losing the love I have
and if this is to last then he has to salve
whatever good he has
and show me, and I will see him as
the man he really probably is
maybe I'll even want a kiss

It's been so long since I fell in love with a fictional character.
Why don't boys feel the need to wear make-up?

Escape sequence.
Every moment of my life I feel like it's an escape sequence.
I don't know how else to explain it to you.
/n. Next line; what next, what's going to happen?

I don't give enough time or thought to the present. I live continually in the past, or in my dreams. My future exists only to amuse me during my languid musings; the past is where I live all the time.

Wake up, Shrija. Wake up!



.. make me!
Wake me up inside,
call my name and save me
from the dark.
Bid my blood to run
before I come undone
Save me from the nothing I've become.

YummIIIIEEEE!

hhhhh-Woowwhh..sigh

Thank you so much! But who are you?

I'm PMSing. (Go away. I'm warning you. Go away when you can.)

Like, physically. Right now.

Yeah, I wanted to share that on my blog.

Yep, I'm badass like that.

BLOODY-assed. If you know what I mean.

*awkward interlude*

The REASON I'm doing this - talking about my period - is, I don't generally PMS, ok?! Earlier, when I'd read all those PMS jokes and references and stuff, I'd be all "God you guys, it's not THAT bad, stop being such sissys and man up" and I'd get irritated too when people'd make references to PMSing if a girl had a particularly significant emotional outburst. I mean seriously, are we allowed to get pissed off only on our period? Do you think we're dead inside otherwise?

Anyway. Yeah. I swung from smiling crazily at random things to crying and getting all silly-hearted and emotional like, that, today. And it was the first time I noticed  it, and I was like Ohmygod my worst fears have chosen this very moment in my life to crystallize into grisly reality; I really do PMS like a bitch, I would know and you overthink always speak cryptically- I mean. You get it.

And, I'm also kind of spoilt. Like, really spoilt. This particular realisation actually dawned on me a couple of years ago, but it's only today that I realised it to its full extent. That I'm a spoilt bitch. I have some bitch-like qualities in me, that's for sure. And I'm spoilt. Like, emotionally. Like, I was made to feel like a princess - queen, empress, president - right from the moment I was born. So I have that in me even now. I'd make a horrible girlfriend. I was thinking about that too today. I mean, I'd not do any girlfriend-y things. I mean, I don't even know what girlfriend-y things ARE. I think we should make a list.

Shrija Chavali's List of Girlfriend-y Things

1. Talking on the phone all the time - 

I hate talking on the phone. There's very few people I'd like to stay on the phone with for hours, and those few people are my friends. Like, proper friends. But if I was somebody's girlfriend and they'd call all the time, or want me to call all the time, I probably wouldn't pick up the phone. All those things about the guy calling you up in the morning to say "Hi I love you have a great day" or something, I mean, dude, don't waste your balance, just text me and let me hyperventilate over it, ok? Because chances are, if I'm on the phone when you're saying cute things, I'd be completely unresponsive to it because I'd be hyperventilating in my head. I literally don't know how to react when something genuinely nice is said about me, so if the guy's going to be all wooo babe at me I'll completely shut down. So text is good. Text is awesome. 

2. Holding hands - 

HOW awkward is it? Random people hold my hands and I get freaked as it is, even my MUM or my grandmum, I need to take a mini-sec to calm myself down; so if I were expected to hold the guy's hand randomly - NOT GOING TO HAPPEN, BROTHER. It's really awkward. What are you supposed to do with it? Just hold it? How long should you hold it for? And what if you want to pull away? What if you pull away before he wants to pull away? What if you don't ever want to pull away?! 

No. No holding hands. Plus I almost always have long nails. 

3. PDA - 

Refer point above. 

4. Gazillion pictures that'll go up on his facebook or blog or whatever - 

Dude. I mean, if you're lucky enough that I'm actually going to let you within sniffing distance of my person, you want to take PICTURES of us together just so you can brag to your friends or whatever? I CRINGE when someone has 1345 pictures of them hugging/sharing food/posing in any way with their girl/boyfriends, and let me tell you I was unfortunate enough to even see pictures of some people MAKING OUT. Ok? 

NO. NO PICTURES. I HATE PICTURES. 

And then there's the worry that if there really WAS an awesome enough guy, I'd probably do ALL of the above like some sappy lovesick loser. 

I mean, I was thinking the other day - all those heroines from chick-flicks and rom-coms? TOTALLY REAL. Why else are they always so relatable with? It sounds horrible to think that girls fall for those half-baked sugary lines the guys are always using but you know, if it's happening to you really, in real life, you'd fall for it too. Because it's you, and not some movie girl that's hearing those things, and it's you those things are being said about, and you're GOING to believe it because the guy is bleedin' perfect! *sigh* Aren't they always. Stupid guys. I sympathise FULLY with every chick-flick-chick that I ever made fun of or ridiculed or accidentally called a slut (I know, I have done it and like I said I'm a horrible person but get over it. I have. Everybody knows the party's in hell anyway.) - because BOYS. They make you do weird stuff and pretend they didn't do anything, when, obviously, it was their doing something that made you do weird things in the first place. It's all so obvious.

They put Iron Man 2 on TV today. I hate that stupid Scarlett Johansson. 

Scarlett Ho-hansson. 

Hah! 

I may not have a perfect ass that looks unreal in a bodysuit as I decapacitate half-a-dozen men twice my size, but at least my name cannot be altered in an amusing manner to ridicule my personality. Or whatever. 

UGH. STUPID BOYS THAT LOVE SCARLETT JOHANSSON! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?! CAN'T YOU SEE SHE HAS A REALLY WEIRD MOUTH AND HER NOSE IS TOO UPTURNED-Y?! 

Gwyneth Paltrow, I can understand. She's subtle. But Scarlett's all "Look at me, look at me, I know you're looking, I bet you can't stop ha-ha suckers". 

God. I really do dislike her greatly. 

Yuck yuck yuck.