I HATE MY STUPID LAYOUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's quite funny how sometimes you feel like you can handle the whole world when it's in your face, and yet when it really matters, you're absolutely clueless. I have my whole life looming large in front of me, and the whole world to live it in, and have never been more worried, tensed and terified. I have NO CLUE what I must do in order to fulfil my role as a daughter, especially in as hard a time as now, for my family. My mother keeps telling me that I must be their pillar of strength, and I feel that I really can be their ticket to retribution; if only I were five years older. I truly wish that I were born earlier so that I could have been old enough to be the source of strength my parents need right now. However, the guilt that this costs me is great. I feel guilty to enjoy myself when they are clearly hurt and weakened by circumstance. I feel guilty to pursue any whimsical fancy I might have. I just want to bend my head low and finish school and Boards as quietly and sincerely as possible and make them proud. But it will take time.

I know that it will greatly upset them to think that I am being compromised in this situatuion. And that is really not the case. I am privileged to live the life I have. There has been no significant change in the life I lead now than before. But sometimes I feel that this is because things are not being completely confronted and accepted. My mum needs someone to confide in, and after every small and unsatisfactory rant, she always rounds it up with "I don't know why I'm telling you this, it's not really necessary for you to know right now". I deeply detest this sentiment. If not now, WHEN? The way to tackle a problem is to first accept it. Again I wish I were older so that I may be able to comfort my mother. But in my family, it so happens that actions, more than words, are valued. So I guess that is what they mean when they tell me to succeed in life. My grandmother; actually, both my grandmothers, have told me that they want to see me shine before they move on to greater things. I want to fulfil all these dreams and ascertain all these hopes to the last letter. I WANT to make everyone around me proud of me, and happy. I just don't konw HOW.

A part of me wants to soar. Dramatic as this may seem, I really do feel capable of soaring at this juncture of my life. I want to meet great people, go abroad, learn new things and immerse myself in the colossal mass of knowledge unknown to me that floats aboard this world. I really want to study abroad, too. But I don't know WHAT I must study, or where. I don't know if the course I finally end up choosing will be profitable for me, and more importantly, my family. I worry greatly as to what I will end up choosing, and the impact it will have on my nearest family. I only hope that when the time comes, I will know what to choose.