The me-est me I can possibly be.

[25-12-2011 22:13:55] Shrija: It's justh ard, and I feel incredibly worthless and weak, and I'm terrified, and I never sepak my mind, and I really don't know what's going on, and I just feel so WEAK and stupid.[25-12-2011 22:14:22] Shrija: And I have no one else to whine with than you! (h) Thank god we finally talked!

 As this year too wraps up, this time I want to try and identify the chief emotions that signified this whole past year for me. In retrospect, this is how my year was:

 You know what. Screw that. I don't think I want to actually look back at my year. Because this year, I haven't been very me. No, sir, I have not. And I admit that it has taken me a year to realise this, but I am not ashamed. I may be ashamed of the things I have done, lots of them, no actually just some of them - well I barely remember them anyway- but the fact is, I have REALISED that there was something wrong THROUGHOUT the year, last year. And I just used to ignore it, but now, we're going to have no more of that. I mean, where has the Lioness gone in Lioness Without A Pride? I may have been twelve when I made that up - ok, more like, 14 - but I've always felt that I was the me-est me when I was that age. Right? And if I had identified myself as a lioness back then, then I pretty damn well am one, I am! Stupid and ridiculous and cringe-inducing as that may sound now! Which can be said of nearly all of my memories. Really. They're cringe-worthy. I cringe so much that my heart, it has furrows in it, due to all the cringing it has done in its life so far.

Which is really unfair for it. Hearts shouldn't cringe. Hearts shouldn't cower. Hearts shouldn't let someone else take control of them. Hearts shouldn't be FURROWED. Ugh. What a mental picture.

Basically I guess what I want to say is - I really want to get my shit together in 2012. And not just in 2012, I mean, for life. Everyone has a picture in their heads of how they want to be. I've known that for ages now. But I never really - acted on it. Acted on trying to picture my life. Because I was like, cowardly or scared and stuff. And that stuff, it's perfectly fine. Everybody feels that way. You only need to figure out when you're going to snap out of it, and take the plunge.

My dad's favourite story to tell is about the time when I had to learn swimming. I was a drama queen from the start - but that's a story for a later date - and I accidentally waded into the deep end of the pool and like, swallowed some water or something, and it was a big deal. But now, I'm a pretty ok swimmer. I say 'pretty ok' because I only know one stroke, freestyle, but, I'm pretty ok at it. And the thing with the story is, that I never used to want to swim but now the coach points me out to the little kids and says, "Look at her. You should swim like her. If she can do it, so can you!" which is of course less than flattering (that last part) but hey. I'm a role model for somebody. I'm being pointed out as an example. That's an example of my lionessness.


Ok so this is the hard part. The get-your-act-together part. And it's only hard because. You have to think about all the things you did, and the mistakes you made, and live them once again so that you know what to change and all of that. At least, that's what I think. But I guess one should just, focus on the things that need to be done, and do them. And forget about the rest. And have fun - but not because you have to have fun, and people expect that of you, but have like, genuine fun. And be genuinely happy. And like, if people don't like you after that, you can deal with it. Because what sucks is when you try and be what people want, and they still don't like you, and then it all just goes down into a spiralling rut and the whole world goes black and you lose faith in everything and you just feel like you're breaking and that you don't even deserve it. It's so, so important to be who you are, all the time. I don't care about that "I don't know who I am" bullshit, because that stuff's existential. I'm talking about the living part. You need to live the life of you. You're an extremely important person in your life. It's your fucking life. If it's not you, who else is it? Everybody else is taken! You need to drive your OWN car! And it may be fun to borrow somebody else's car and take it for a spin from time to time, because it's a whole different experience and there's just something about being in a new car but no. Your car is what takes you from place to place. Your car is what's going to function and - I just lost the metaphor. But that's ok. I've made my point.