I don't madly listen to movie songs. They don't define my life.
I don't like going to the canteen every day and eating. That doesn't define my life.
I don't like going to crazy college culturals simply to see what's going on when you can't pariticpate because no on cares about anything. That doesn't define my life.
I don't go crazy about the newest run-of-the-mill movie that's getting released. I don't like them, and they irritate me, and they don't define my life.
I don't like talking about other people and gossiping. That doesn't define my life.
I don't like dressing up every morning for college. That doesn't define my life.
I don't like people putting their hands all over me when they're talking - even if it's friendly or whatever. No, not when I don't like you in the first place.
I don't like my class.
There.
I said it.
I don't relate to ANY of them.
It's been so long since I had a conversation that made me feel fulfilled, like, you know, when you're talking and you know the other person gets you,zXtr6nhjubgfd - I JUST SNEEZED ALL OVER THE COMPUTER - you know, a nice, simple conversation where you feel like the other person is as equally interested in hearing what you have to say, as you. Where you don't feel like the other person is judging you, nor are you judging the other person. Just. Positive, happy, free-flowing interaction.
NOT!!!!!!!! the kind of conversation where you're JUST SAYING THE RIGHT THINGS so the other person will
1. not be offended
2. not realise that you don't care about what they're saying
3. go away
But those're the only kinds of conversations I have any more.
With.. everybody.
I feel horrible.
I feel. literally. horrible.
As it is I have trouble with the whole who am I what kind of person am I what're my passions and etc so on infinity.
And now this, this whole.. thing that's making me feel like I'm slowly disappearing away into some void.
It sucks. It sucks and I feel horrible and.
I'm trying. I'm trying to retain myself the way I am, and love to be. But it's hard. I just want you to appreciate that it's hard. No, not you, me. I never accepted the fact that it's hard. I just thought it was something trivial and something that didn't matter to me. But it does. It does matter to me when I have no single soul to talk to in my class. And it's difficult and upsetting.
But I'm not going to let it bring me down like this. I mean enough is enough. I have got to get a grip on this. And everything else in my life. I just needed to get this all out. That's all. Have a little cry, sort things out.
It's time to move ahead. I've taken a lot of time to get here but really. It's time to move ahead.
I like being in class and learning and understand all that the teachers say.
I like topping the class.
I hate it when no one fucking tells each other the important stuff, like which sums to do or which books to refer or any of that. Every body is so bleeding selfish and immersed in their own little rut-like lives. I'm sorry for saying all of this BUT IT'S TRUE. It's a bitch eat bitch world. An also a bitch, eat, and bitch again world. Hah. That was perfect, that's exactly what it is.
God help me. God stop me from becoming someone else. God give me the presence of mind and strength and brains to make this work in my favour.
And god. Please don't ever let me lose any more friends. I don't care if I don't get any new ones for a long time now, I really don't but please. I don't want fake people, and I don't want to be a fake person to someone else. Where is the love, god? Where is the person who calls up before school during breakfast to wish you on your birthday? Where are the people that think about you as much as they think about themselves.
But thank you. Thank you for giving me my life in school. Although the finiteness of life is sinking in now, and the futility of all that we do etc etc, back in school, we all felt infinite. I felt infinite. "When she was just a girl, she expected the world." That's true for me. And thank you for letting me experience all of that. And still giving me bits of that from time to time.
I'm sorry if you guys actually read through all of that. This has been long, long over due and is a little bit like the flood gates being broken down or something.
Sometimes we talk without actually saying anything. It really sucks.
ReplyDeleteI really hope that this journey, wherever it takes you, brings you contentment and love and happiness.
My God always be by your side, and may the angels protect you every step of the way.
:)
You're not alone. College was just hyped - in a major way. We all feel it. We just don't have the heart to pen it down. Because that makes it even more real.
ReplyDeleteI know how you feel. Just let it all out. I went through a time where I felt like no one will miss me if I'm gone. That I have so many 2nd rate friendships. Chocolate might help. Or ranting it out.
ReplyDeleteLWAP. You make so much sense. You are so frigging relevant!
ReplyDeleteI would love to have a positive free-flowing conversation with u. I know how one can get deprived of those. I know how you can even not have a positive conversation with someone who's close to u.
Dont disappear. You're too strong to let some void envelope you. I know that and im sure of it. God will help you. and i hope i can too. the way u helped me.
All those bitches out there dont even know the significance of one sentence, one comment, one good deed. But u do, and God will help u out.
Dont hold it in. ever. and im oh so sorry for disappearing on u.
I can relate... but hey look at the bright side, you have this blog where you can write whatever. Anything. Things of substance that you want to indulge in instead of everything else that isn't you.
ReplyDeleteUse your blog as a medium to express yourself. You'll be surprised at the responses you get here than maybe even in "real life" :P
Fake conversations depress the heck out of me, and real ones make me so flipping happy.
ReplyDeleteEverything around here is just so plastic. I want to commit to finding something real.
Nice job expressing this.