I'm PMSing. (Go away. I'm warning you. Go away when you can.)

Like, physically. Right now.

Yeah, I wanted to share that on my blog.

Yep, I'm badass like that.

BLOODY-assed. If you know what I mean.

*awkward interlude*

The REASON I'm doing this - talking about my period - is, I don't generally PMS, ok?! Earlier, when I'd read all those PMS jokes and references and stuff, I'd be all "God you guys, it's not THAT bad, stop being such sissys and man up" and I'd get irritated too when people'd make references to PMSing if a girl had a particularly significant emotional outburst. I mean seriously, are we allowed to get pissed off only on our period? Do you think we're dead inside otherwise?

Anyway. Yeah. I swung from smiling crazily at random things to crying and getting all silly-hearted and emotional like, that, today. And it was the first time I noticed  it, and I was like Ohmygod my worst fears have chosen this very moment in my life to crystallize into grisly reality; I really do PMS like a bitch, I would know and you overthink always speak cryptically- I mean. You get it.

And, I'm also kind of spoilt. Like, really spoilt. This particular realisation actually dawned on me a couple of years ago, but it's only today that I realised it to its full extent. That I'm a spoilt bitch. I have some bitch-like qualities in me, that's for sure. And I'm spoilt. Like, emotionally. Like, I was made to feel like a princess - queen, empress, president - right from the moment I was born. So I have that in me even now. I'd make a horrible girlfriend. I was thinking about that too today. I mean, I'd not do any girlfriend-y things. I mean, I don't even know what girlfriend-y things ARE. I think we should make a list.

Shrija Chavali's List of Girlfriend-y Things

1. Talking on the phone all the time - 

I hate talking on the phone. There's very few people I'd like to stay on the phone with for hours, and those few people are my friends. Like, proper friends. But if I was somebody's girlfriend and they'd call all the time, or want me to call all the time, I probably wouldn't pick up the phone. All those things about the guy calling you up in the morning to say "Hi I love you have a great day" or something, I mean, dude, don't waste your balance, just text me and let me hyperventilate over it, ok? Because chances are, if I'm on the phone when you're saying cute things, I'd be completely unresponsive to it because I'd be hyperventilating in my head. I literally don't know how to react when something genuinely nice is said about me, so if the guy's going to be all wooo babe at me I'll completely shut down. So text is good. Text is awesome. 

2. Holding hands - 

HOW awkward is it? Random people hold my hands and I get freaked as it is, even my MUM or my grandmum, I need to take a mini-sec to calm myself down; so if I were expected to hold the guy's hand randomly - NOT GOING TO HAPPEN, BROTHER. It's really awkward. What are you supposed to do with it? Just hold it? How long should you hold it for? And what if you want to pull away? What if you pull away before he wants to pull away? What if you don't ever want to pull away?! 

No. No holding hands. Plus I almost always have long nails. 

3. PDA - 

Refer point above. 

4. Gazillion pictures that'll go up on his facebook or blog or whatever - 

Dude. I mean, if you're lucky enough that I'm actually going to let you within sniffing distance of my person, you want to take PICTURES of us together just so you can brag to your friends or whatever? I CRINGE when someone has 1345 pictures of them hugging/sharing food/posing in any way with their girl/boyfriends, and let me tell you I was unfortunate enough to even see pictures of some people MAKING OUT. Ok? 

NO. NO PICTURES. I HATE PICTURES. 

And then there's the worry that if there really WAS an awesome enough guy, I'd probably do ALL of the above like some sappy lovesick loser. 

I mean, I was thinking the other day - all those heroines from chick-flicks and rom-coms? TOTALLY REAL. Why else are they always so relatable with? It sounds horrible to think that girls fall for those half-baked sugary lines the guys are always using but you know, if it's happening to you really, in real life, you'd fall for it too. Because it's you, and not some movie girl that's hearing those things, and it's you those things are being said about, and you're GOING to believe it because the guy is bleedin' perfect! *sigh* Aren't they always. Stupid guys. I sympathise FULLY with every chick-flick-chick that I ever made fun of or ridiculed or accidentally called a slut (I know, I have done it and like I said I'm a horrible person but get over it. I have. Everybody knows the party's in hell anyway.) - because BOYS. They make you do weird stuff and pretend they didn't do anything, when, obviously, it was their doing something that made you do weird things in the first place. It's all so obvious.

They put Iron Man 2 on TV today. I hate that stupid Scarlett Johansson. 

Scarlett Ho-hansson. 

Hah! 

I may not have a perfect ass that looks unreal in a bodysuit as I decapacitate half-a-dozen men twice my size, but at least my name cannot be altered in an amusing manner to ridicule my personality. Or whatever. 

UGH. STUPID BOYS THAT LOVE SCARLETT JOHANSSON! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?! CAN'T YOU SEE SHE HAS A REALLY WEIRD MOUTH AND HER NOSE IS TOO UPTURNED-Y?! 

Gwyneth Paltrow, I can understand. She's subtle. But Scarlett's all "Look at me, look at me, I know you're looking, I bet you can't stop ha-ha suckers". 

God. I really do dislike her greatly. 

Yuck yuck yuck.